Originally Posted By ageofreason

lol

God:
Hey Jews.
Jews:
Hey.
God:
So listen guys, I'm thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.
Jews:
What?
God:
You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.
Jews:
We don't follow.
God:
Okay, work with me here guys. Remember the whole ‘angry God' thing?
Jews:
Vividly.
God:
Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-
Jews:
Yeah.
God:
And forty years in the-
Jews:
We remember that.
God:
Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.
Jews:
Wait, what?
God:
Whoops, forget I said that. "Spoiler Alert", am I right?
Jews:
...
God:
Anyway, we're going to re-work this whole “God- thing. For example, kid-friendly is big these days in religion.
Jews:
So, like...?
God:
For example, I'm super chill now, for some reason. Plus there's a heaven. Oh, and this is Jesus. He's my son, and he's God too, or something. It's complicated, ok?
Jesus:
Yo.
Jews:
I think we'll stick with the old one here.
God:
Look, I love the brand loyalty Jews, I really do. But this whole “God- thing isn't playing to the right demographics. Jesus is a hip, young God, you know, for the whole “A.D.- generations.
Jesus:
Surfs up, dudes!
God:
Ha, that Jesus. What a character, right? This is going to play huge in Rome…
Jews:
This…goes against everything you've ever told us.
God:
No it doesn't, so just shut up. Also, Jesus, you're going to die.
Jesus:
What? I thought I was your son! Or God. Or both!
God:
Look, this is just complicated, okay Jesus? Besides, you totally return when you fight the Devil.
Jews:
Who?
God:
Right, he's another new character. He's like an evil God. Plot twist, right? We're arch enemies.
Jesus:
Why would you make your own arch-enemy? That's really stupid.
God:
Shut up, Jesus. Andwhat would you know? You're made of bread and wine.
Jesus:
What? Why?
God:
Sponsorships, alright? New testaments aren't cheap.
Jews:
I'm sorry, this is just way too different. Is this your fan-fiction or something?
God:
Of course not. This is the logical progression of Judaism which I planned all along. Like when I made all those references to a lamb.
Jews:
You made, like, five.
God:
Well, they were all about Jesus. Foreshadowing. Um, I guess. So there.
Jews:
Couldn't you have been clearer then?
God:
I work in mysterious ways, okay? Look, just go with it guys. I worked really hard on this. And come on, you totally owe me for the whole 'creation' thing anyway.
(pause)
Most Jews:
Well, I guess we could.
God:
Awesome! 'Most Jews', aka 'New Christians'-
New Christians:
We're what now?
God:
You won't regret this guys, I have the whole thing planned perfectly
Holy Ghost:
Oooooooooh!
God:
...
New Christians:
...
God:
You're going to love it.
435 notes
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